Should I Buy this Coffee Table?

Should I Buy this Coffee Table?

I’ve lit a couple of candles and turned on my Sylvan Esso Pandora station. I’m adjusting to living alone.

This adjustment comes after a hell of year. The death of my father, working my way halfway through a masters degree and a friendly divorce leave me in a new home, trying to make things as cozy and comfortable as possible.

I’ve decorated my kitchen with all of my Wonder Woman and comic book artwork and my bedroom is pretty and feminine… but my living room leaves something to be desired.

It feels cold.

I’m thinking that all I need to make it complete is a rug and a coffee table. A rug to make things feel warm and welcoming and a table to break up the space.

I’ve been half-heartedly shopping at thrift stores and flea markets, but nothing has begged me to take it home.  I’m taking my time finding a coffee table. I don’t want to rush into buying a table that I don’t really like, just so that I will have somewhere to prop up my feet.

I’ve seen plenty of good looking tables online, but they either don’t fit my personality or my budget. I mean, I can make do without one for a while, right?

My friends say that when I stop looking for a coffee table, the right one will come along.

I know what they mean. Just when you have a houseful of furniture, you find that perfect thing that whispers your name and you have nowhere in your life to put it.

So for now, I’m keeping my options – and my living room – open. I’m wiggling around and getting comfortable with the idea of there being more space in my life.

Besides, I totally have a side table to sit my drink on.

An Open Letter to the Crack Whore Gas Station Attendant

An Open Letter to the Crack Whore Gas Station Attendant

Dear Crack Whore Gas Station Attendant,

I love you the most.

You don’t try to engage me in conversation at 6am when all I want in the world is some caffeine.

You mumble the amount of purchase, avert your eyes and take my money – thus making the world exactly how it should be.

Though your thong may be visible and you may be so high that you think my purple handbag is giant cat that I am holding, I don’t judge.

And you don’t judge my early morning purchase of $3.87 of Unleaded and a Ding Dong.

You are so much better than:

1. Young white guys who think they’re black:
Put your hat on straight and pull up your pants. You look like an idiot. Stop acting like you are from the hood. I saw your green 08 Corolla with the Bayou Desiard Country Club sticker parked out front. You are embarrassing yourself.

2. Elderly clerks who like to talk about the Lord.
I understand that you feel blessed and happy at 6am, but please respect the fact that I am only holding back a big “Fuck You” by the grace of the deepest reaches of my inbred Southern charm. You tell me I look like an angel from heaven until you notice my tattoos and begin looking worried about my soul. By all means, pray for me. Put me on the list. But please just give me my fucking coffee first.

3. Old mean and nasty white women.
Any unfortunate soul who has traveled down Louisville Avenue near the bridge and wanted a morning coffee and paper knows exactly who I am talking about. You are a legend. You are mean and nasty and deserve to die. Don’t look at me as if I just ate your only unborn baby when I am just trying to buy a fucking cup of coffee. I didn’t do anything to you. Fuck off.

4. Young white guys who think they’re funny.
You are the worst. I avoid the Shell station at Well Road because of you. I can fully assure you that I am not impressed by your Cartman impersonation. Don’t comment about my t-shirt, don’t tell me you like my tattoo and please, please don’t try to charm me with your witty banter. I don’t care that you have a wheat penny. You are neither witty nor charming and I don’t like you. Stop trying to talk to me and just give me my damn Swiss Cake Roll.


The Straw that Stirs the Drink

The Straw that Stirs the Drink

Do you ever do something that you know is going to piss you off just so that you can get all riled up?

Sometimes I find myself listening to conservative talk radio, alone in the car, just to pull myself out of  a rut.  I get all psyched up and start yelling at the radio on the way home and the funny thing is, I always, always feel better when all is said and done.

I turn off the radio, take the key out of the car and walk up to my front porch with a smile and a determined look.

It’s a release.  A release that happens because I am an even tempered person 99% of the time.  I let comments at work slide because I know that stupidity is very difficult to fight.  I don’t point out my agnosticism when everyone around me is talking about how the Lord healed their child’s sniffle.

I nod and smile.

I try to keep the peace.

Sometimes this works…other times it backfires and I end up yelling in my boss’s face that her mother needs to get the hell out of the office because she is PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF!

This type of situation usually concludes with me being placed on some sort of prayer list.

Bless my heart.

So I have a theory.  Maybe if I stop trying to be so even tempered all the time and stop worrying about being perceived as a hedonistic bitch, I would be a little more mentally healthy. If I let go and let a comment slide out of my mouth now and again, I won’t have to torture myself into a rage by listening to Christian radio on the way home from work.

What can I say, it’s a sickness.  Some people cut themselves, I listen to Rush.

It’s easy to lose faith in humanity when everyone around you seems to be completely absurd and out of touch with reality.  I think it’s time to let the majority know that we are here. We’re here, some of us are queer, some of us are atheists, some of us are humanists, some of us drink and do unspeakable sexual acts, some of us curse, some of us don’t believe that just because we are human makes us evil, and yes, some of us even vote!  As the pagans say, it’s time to come out of the broom closet.

The ladies and gentlemen around here seem to have an ongoing  love affair with  the game “bash the liberals”.  Little do they know that these very liberal heathens are their neighbors, doctors, teachers, day care workers, chefs, and the people, in general, who keep things running smoothly.

I think it’s time to stop nodding and smiling.

Here’s my challenge to all of you this week.  Do something unexpected.  Hide your co-worker’s stapler. Let that snarky comment come flying out of your mouth and then smile and walk away.  Say something that you know will make someone uncomfortable.  Make a Hitler stick puppet out of the photo of Dr. Broussard on the back of the phone book and start a war reinactment. Do SOMETHING, ANYTHING so that you know that you are not getting caught up in the day to day PC bullshit and that you have not forgotten how to live and laugh and emote and be human.  Just once, be the straw that stirs the drink.

disclaimer: the writer of this blog is not a nazi